They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
You Might Also Like
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Why is everyone getting married at me
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.