They also CAN sing✌️
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On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent