they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
You Might Also Like
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?