They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.