They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
pat pat
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.