They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
there has never been a better use of this meme
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.