They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.