They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
✌️
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
this is the news I live for
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.