They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You Might Also Like
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what