They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit