They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
The French word for sex is croissant.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Botany good plants lately?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.