They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share