Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

why isn’t thunder called soundning

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

He is just living hist best little life 😊

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

Miscakes

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.