They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*