“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
concern
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order