They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
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“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..