they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
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[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen