Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying