They did not miss in the small print
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Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this