They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Lmfao
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up