They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]