They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.