They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…