They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.