They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
You Might Also Like
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.