they finally got him. they got macavity
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Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?