They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“I wouldn’t.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER