@EdgarPoop1 Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
@dreamthievin I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
@UnFitz Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
@mattgallo123 <job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
@daemonic3 Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
@MumInBits 5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
@jonnysun whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
@noog Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
@1AIMMadellynne Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
@BlindChow [girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
@thegeek_factory