They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
new year update: losing everything but weight
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml