They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨