if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.