They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
