They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
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… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I thought this was funny lol
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!