They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
had to make it
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My first son he is wonderful
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
A dad and his duck
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.