They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number