They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
You Might Also Like
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think