They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Care for your back
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Y’all ready for this
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…