They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week