@pranavsapra

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

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@dril

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

@trevso_electric

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

@dance_blessed

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

@xMonica13x

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

@darinlovesbacon

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

@RunOldMan

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

@OfHella

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

@daryl_licked

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.