They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.


I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*



The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?


do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?


How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?


Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.


My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”


Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.