They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes


Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.


Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.


Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.


My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.


Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.


When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.


I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK


Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece


Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.