They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Noted.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza