@STRIKINGxVIKING

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

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@pixelatedboat

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

@lloydrang

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

@RealLaVarTrump

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

@RandiLawson

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

@WheelTod

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

@ArfMeasures

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle