They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her