@Duke1173
@Horrorsc0pes The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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@Horrorsc0pes 
@BuckyIsotope If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
@caliluvgirl77 Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
@BobbyBucchae 
@impJOKER Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
@errdayhustlah Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
@Book_Krazy *In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
@Aspersioncast What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
@Smooheed *orders delivery*
@MarfSalvador Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]