They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
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“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Netflix and awkward silence?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.