@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

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@robdelaney

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

@droidbears

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

@Michael1979

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

@FrenulumBreve

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

@LemmingDad

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

@MariyaAlexander

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@JenniferTilly

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.