they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
You Might Also Like
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Seek kebab; not attention
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’m already scared
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”