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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées