They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Living the best life.. 😊
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.