They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him