They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
You Might Also Like
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
The funk soul brother
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.