they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Autocorrect is my menesis
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.