They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this