They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Twitter remains undefeated
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
TODAY
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW