They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’m sorry…what?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.