They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc