They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!