They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.