They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.